The Bank Robber

The Bank Robber

Characters

A bank robber
Bank Clerk

Bank Robber: Stick ‘em up. Reach for the sky. No, no, that’s too American. Excuse me, I wonder if you’d mind putting your hands in the air? Thank you. No, no, that’s too British. I suppose they do understand English in the banks here. Excuse me, do you speak English?
Bank Clerk: Yes, and I also speak French, German, Spanish, Italian…
Robber: Good, that’s enough…
BC: And I’ve just started learning Chinese. So what can I do for you?
Robber: Stick ‘em up!
BC: Stick? This is not a stick, it’s a gun.
Robber: I know.
BC: So is it not more correct to say stick it up?
Robber: No, no, ‘them’ means your arms, not the gun,.
BC: I’m sorry. A simple mistake. So I put my hands in the air. And now?
Robber: Now give me all your money.
BC: First you tell me to put my hands in the air and then you ask me to give you the money.
Robber: That’s right.
BC: Do you not agree this is a little difficult?
Robber: Well, it’s not very easy for me either.
BC: Of course not. But why are we doing all this?
Robber: I’m robbing the bank.
Bank clerk: A bank robber? Oh, this is exciting. A real bank robber. We haven’t had one for weeks. Your passport, please.
Robber: Passport?
Bank Clerk: Yes, please, there’s no need for all these hands in the air and the stick and the gun. We are very civilized country. Just fill in this form.
Robber: Fill in a form?
BC: Yes, this is the correct way to do business nowadays.
Robber: What?
Bank Clerk: Yes, please all your details…
Robber: But I haven’t got a pen.
Bank Clerk: Really, you must be more efficient. No problem. I’ve got a pen. I’ll lend you mine,
Robber: Thank you.
BC: I will lend you my pen, If you promise to give it back. First conditional.
BR: First conditional?
BC: The form, please (mobile phone rings) What’s that? Is it a bomb?
Robber: Oops, sorry, it’s my mobile phone. Excuse me. Hello…Oh, hello darling…Where am I? I’m at work now…no not yet…because I haven’t got a pen…yes, I’ve got my gun…no, I haven’t got the money yet…bye bye love, see you later…my wife…. No, I won’t forget the shopping,. Excuse me, my wife, you know.
Bank Clerk: Let’s see. A nice photo. But this isn’t you.
Robber: Yes, it is.
Bank Clerk: But this is a woman.
Robber: What?
Bank clerk: Yes and she’s very nice, is this your wife?
Robber: Oops, sorry, wrong one. Try this one.
Bank Clerk: Thank you. Now, your name?
Robber: Smith. John Smith.
BC: Occupation: Teacher? But why?
Robber: These are hard times you know, This is my morning job. I teach English in the evenings.
Bank Clerk: I see. A teacher…of English, eh?
Robber: Yes.
BC: Can we say Unless you promise to give me my pen back, I won’t lend it to you…?
BR: Yes, but can we get on with the robbery now?
BC: Very well. What is your father’s name?
BR: Jim.
Bank Clerk: And your mother’s name?
BR: June.
Bank Clerk: the colour of your mother’s eyes?
BR: Green. Brown. Greeny-brown.
BC: You do not seem very sure.
BR: Well, I haven’t seen her for a long time.
BC: And your wife’s name?
BR: Ethel.
BC: Mm. Ethel. A nice name. Have you ever robbed a bank before?
BR: No, it’s my first time.
BC: I see. Has your wife ever robbed a bank?
BR: No. I don’t think so.
BR: I see. Well so you are absolute beginners? Well, we have a special form for beginners.
BR: Another form.
BC: Yes, this is the correct procedure. A mobile number please.
A: Look, stop all these questions! If you don’t give me all your money now, I’ll…go to another bank.
BC: Hm. If you don’t give me…I’ll…is this not an example of the first conditional?.
BR: First conditional?
BC: Can we say the same thing with unless?
BR: Unless?
BC: Yes, Unless you give me all your money I’ll go to another bank.
BR: Yes, you can say that.
BC: And second conditional: if you gave me all your money I wouldn’t go to another bank?
BR: Second conditional…?
BC: And third conditional: if I had known you were coming, I would have called the police!
BR: The police? Alright, alright, that’s enough. Read this note.
BC: A note, in English. Good. If you don’t give me the money now, I’ll kiss you. This is an excellent example of the conditional…
BR: No, not kiss, kill. I’ll kill you. Kill kill.
BC: Kill? But this looks like kiss. You really must improve your handwriting.
BR: Look, I’ve had enough of this: if you don’t give me all your money NOW I’ll shoot.
BC: No, please don’t. We have plenty of money.
BR: Good.
BC: Now, how would you like the money: pounds, euros or dollars?
A: Pounds, please. I’m going to England tomorrow, you see.
Bank Clerk: Sorry, we haven’t got any pounds, would you like euros?
A: No, thanks. (Bell rings).What’s that?
Bank Clerk: It’s closing time.
A: Closing? Why? What time is it?
Bank Clerk: It’s three o’clock. Time for lunch.
Bank Robber: Lunch?
Bank Clerk; Yes, in my countyr we feel the food strongly, it is a big family occasion. But if you come back tomorrow, with your wife, we’ll be glad to help you. Just fill in this form. And this one. Remember: if you came back tomorrow, with your wife, we will be glad to help you!
Both: FIRST CONDITIONAL!!