The Driving Test
Examiner: Welcome! Come in. Please come in, sit down. What can I do for you?
Motorist: YOU ME TEST ME YOU TEST
Examiner: Please, why you are shout? Now, what can I do for you?
Motorist: Ah, you understand English. You see, I’ve come for the driving test. I’ve got my English licence but I wanted a Greek one. I’ve heard it’s a little different here.
Examiner: A little. Hm.. An interesting case. You want a Greek driving licence? But why?
Mot: Well, you see I used to be an English teacher but, you know, these are hard times, so I decided to become a taxi-driver…
Examiner: A taxi-driver…you want to be a taxi-driver in Greece??!
Mot: Well, you know, these are VERY hard times…
Examiner: Well, let’s begin!
Mot: Good. Where’s the car?
Ex: The car? The room. The wheel. the clutch, the accelerator, the break…we begin…
Mot: But is that all? How can you have a driving test without a car?
Ex: My friend, the first rule for the driving in Greece is: the good driver needs only one thing: the fantasy. The test begins. Are you ready?
Mot: I suppose so.
Ex: Good. The first question. For one point. What is this?
Mot: Oh, that’s easy….it’s…
Ex: Please be careful remember the fantasy…
Mot: It’s …er…it’s er…a steering wheel?
Ex: Excellent! It’s a steering wheel! You have one point.
Mot: Oh, thank you. That’s very kind of you.
Ex: Now are you ready for the second question?
Mot: Mm. Yes, please. Thank you.
Ex: The second question is for two points.
Mot: Oh, two!
Ex: And the question is: how does the driver hold the wheel?
Mot: Easy. With his hands.
Ex: Mm. Interesting. Mm. Possibly. Yes, why not? Sometimes …but this question is for two points, you must give more information; you must show. (Motorist shows correct answer). Oh, no, no, no. Please, I will show you. We have the wheel, so. We hold the wheel with one hand so.
Mot: That’s all very well. But what about the other hand?
Ex: The other hand? The important things. The cigarette, the mobile phone, wave to the friends and the cousins
Mot: Oh, I see. Do I get any points?
Mot: Oh, come on, two points!
Mot: Oh, go on.
Ex: Look, I will give you one point – for the theory; for the practical, zero.
Mot: Tut, tut, it’s not fair, it’s not cricket!
Ex: The third question. Parking.
Mot: Oh, good parking!
Ex: In Greece we feel the parking strongly: 20 points
Mot: 20 points, I must be careful.
Ex: For 20 points, where are you parking the car?
Mot: Mm, where do I park the car. Car park. I park my car in a car park.
Ex: Ha, ha, ha. A car park! Very funny.
Mot: A meter, a parking meter!
Ex: Ha, ha, ha, please my friend be serious this is a driving test. Oh, the English humour, so cold.
Mot: I know, a multi-storey car park
Ex: A multi-storey…What?
Mot: Alright, I give up. Where DO you park the car in Greece?
Ex: My friend in Greece, we have a modern parking system, the European system. It is simple and cheap.
Mot: Oh, I know, a garage in front of people’s houses!
Ex: No, no, no, my friend: the pavement.
Mot: The pavement?
Ex: The pavement! Simple and cheap.
Mot: But what about the pedestrians?
Ex: The pedestrians? The road! There are roads everywhere! My friend, that was the end of the first part of the test. You need more points. Part 2: The rules of the road. Who am I?
Mot: The driving examiner…
Ex: No, no, what am I doing?
Mot: Oh, you’re waving your arms…you’re a referee!
Ex: No, try again.
Mot: A teacher. An English teacher!
Ex: Remember this is a driving test.
Mot: Oh, I know. A traffic policeman.
Ex: Excellent! Ten points. Now what am I doing?
Mot: You’re waving your arms again?
Ex: But why?
Mot: You’re calling the waiter!
Ex: Well done. Ten points. And this one?
Mot: You’re waving to you cousin?
Ex: Good. Ten points. This one?
Mot: You’re waving to you cousins.
Ex: Good and this one?
Mot: Cars coming from the left move on
Ex: And this one?
Mot: Cars coming from right move on
Ex: And this one?
Mot: Cars coming from left AND right move on???
Ex: Excellent. Well done. That was a very good round. You now have forty points.
Mot: Forty points, good!
Ex: You only need 100 more points to pass the test.
Mot: 100 points??
Ex: Please, not to worry. The last question is the big one and it is for 100 points.
Mot: Oh, good.
Ex: So, the last question for 100 points. The big one. I cannot help you anymore. You are on your own. First, the special envelope. You must choose. No, the other one. Good, an excellent choice. Now, the big question. You are driving along the Tsimiski Street at 100 kilometres the hour, suddenly, a little old lady, with two big plastic shopping bags, crosses the road five metres in front of you. Now, for 100 points what do you do?
Mot: Easy…I …put my foot on the brake and stop immediately!!
Ex: Oh, my dear friend and you were doing so well…
Mot: But …we always stop…
Ex: My dear friend, you forgot the fantasy…the correct answer is you toot your horn and she run the like the crazy…
Mot: Oh, of course…
Ex: And you were doing so well…but wait, the last question is the big one, and it is in two parts, and the second part is also for 100 points…
Mot: Oh, great another chance…. I mustn’t fail this time…
Ex: The second part. You are driving along the Tsimiski Street at 100 kilometres the hour, suddenly: a beautiful young girl, with two big… plastic shopping bags, crosses the road five metres in front of you. Now, for 100 points what do you do?
Mot: I toot…
Mot: No, no, I put my foot on the brake…I stop….I open the door….I smile…she gets in…and I help her with her shopping.
Ex: Excellent! Well, done! You have won the star prize…a brand new Greek driving licence. Congratulations.
Mot: Thank you, thank you. That’s awfully kind of you. By the way, I’ve got my car outside, would you like me to give you a lift?
Ex: Well, thank you, that’s very kind of you. But, you know, I never go anywhere by car in Greece…the drivers are crazy here…!!