The Water Bill

The Water Bill

Characters

Water Board Official
Customer
Prosecutor
TV Game Show Presenter

Scene 1

Official: Next, please!
Gibson: Good morning. My name’s Gibson.
Official: No mistake!
Gibson: I’ve got a very large water bill …
Official: No mistake!
Gibson: It’s 100,000 euros.
Official: No mistake!
Gibson: I think there’s been a mistake…(takes out huge bill)
Official: Do you have a leak?
Gibson: A leak?
Official: Drip, drop…
Gibson: Well, no, I don’t think so…
Official: Do you have a swimming pool?
Gibson: No, of course not …
Official: Do you drink coffee?
Gibson: No, thank you, tea.
Official: Tea?
Gibson: Oh, yes, please, two sugars, thank you …
Official: Where are you from?
Gibson: I’m English.
Official: Ah yes, of course, you drink tea!
Gibson: Oh, aye, buckets of it, seven cups a day …
Official: No mistake! Next please.
Gibson: But I can’t pay, I won’t pay!
Official: You can’t pay? Why?
Gibson: …er…these are hard times and …
Official: Silence! Mr Gibson you are under arrest! Silence in court!

Scene 2

Prosecutor: Mr Gibson
Mr. Gibson: It’s Gibson. How do you do?
Prosecutor: Kindly remove your headgear in court.
Mr. Gibson: Sorry.
Prosecutor: Mr. Gibson, You are English?
Mr. Gibson: Yes, I am. From Scunthorpe.
Prosecutor: And you drink tea, in Scunthorpe?
Mr Gibson: Of course we do…
Prosecutor: How many cups a day?
Mr. Gibson…er…seven …
Prosecutor: You don’t seem very sure…
Mr Gibson: Well, alright, eight…
Prosecutor: Only eight?
Mr Gibson: Make it ten…
Prosecutor: I see. And these cups of tea, I believe, are made with hot water?
Mr Smiith: And milk.
Prosecutor: I see. And you put the milk into the hot water….
Mr Gibson: That’s right. Just a drop.
Prosecutor: A drop…. I see…you are English. And so you have a hobby, yes?
Mr Gibson: Oh, yes, I have a hobby, I have lots of hobbies…I collect stamps, I collect coins, I collect pictures of my favourite footballers and cricketers … and …
Prosecutor: …and … Mr Gibson
Mr. Gibson … and I’ve got a garden…a little garden…
Prosecutor: Aha. A garden…this little garden, does it have … flowers in it?
Mr Gibson: Of course it does. Lots.
Prosecutor: How many?
Mr Gibson: How many? I don’t know…
Prosecutor: You don’t know? I see. Tell me, Mr Gibson do you water these flowers?
Mr Gibson: Oh, yes, 3 or 4 times a week….
Prosecutor: 3 or 4 times a week…And you water them with…
Mr Gibson: Water…
Prosecutor: Precisely. Water! Mr Gibson. Do you wash?
Mr Gibson: Of course, we do! Every day! I take a shower every day…
Prosecutor: Every day, of course. And you wash with …
Mr Gibson: Water, of course.
Prosecutor: And the shower it works with…?
Mr Gibson: Water. Sorry…
Prosecutor: Mr Gibson, how many toilets do you have?
Mr Gibson: I’m sorry. I’m not going to answer that.
Prosecutor: Why?
Mr Gibson: It’s a personal question, that’s why. Sorry.
Prosecutor: Shall we say, two, three, four?
Mr Gibson: Two. One downstairs and one upstairs…
Prosecutor: Two.
Mr Gibson: Oh, yes – and one outside in the garden…
Prosecutor: Three. Anymore?
Mr Gibson: No, that’s all. Thank you.
Prosecutor: Mr Gibson, one question: are all these toilets registered?
Mr Gibson: Registered?
Prosecutor: With the Ministry
Mr Gibson: Ministry? What Ministry? The Ministry of …Toilets?
Prosecutor: Mr Gibson, I will ask the questions…
Mr Gibson: Sorry.
Prosecutor: Tell me, Mr Gibson, do you like cheese?
Mr Gibson: Cheese? I love it. Especially Cheddar and Greek feta cheese – that’s delicious – and …
Prosecutor: And olives?
Mr Gibson: Olives? Oh, yes, especially those black ‘kalamaraki’ olives and…and… those little green ones…
Prosecutor: And I understand that you people ScUnthorpe eat fish and chips?
Mr Gibson: Oh, yes, fish and chips – all the time – with lots of salt and vinegar – and pickled eggs …
Prosecutor: But Mr Gibson, aren’t these little black and green olives and this delicious cheese and these chips and fish a little bit …salty?
Mr Gibson: Oh, yes, but I drink lots of …er….
Prosecutor: Lots of…what? Mr Gibson?
Mr Gibson: Water. Sorry.
Prosecutor: Precisely. Now let me see, 10 cups of tea a day, a garden with flowers in it, a shower every day, three toilets, cheese, olives, fish and chips…altogether how many cubic metres of water do you use a day?
Mr Gibson: …er…er…
Prosecutor: Precisely. 150. And how many cubic metres do you use a week?
Mr Gibson:…er…
Prosecutor: Precisely. 1050 cubic metres and how many cubic metres of water do you use every month – 4,250 precisely and …
Mr Gibson: 4,250?
Prosecutor: And your bill? 100,000 euros.
Mr Gibson: But I only paid 5000 euros last month…
Prosecutor: Only 5000 euros?
Mr Gibson: Yes. Look
Prosecutor: Let me see. 5,000 – only? A mistake.
Mr Gibson: I told you so.
Prosecutor: A big mistake. 100,000 euros this month and 95,000 euros for last month. That’s 195,000 euros altogether.
Mr Gibson: 195,000 euros…that’s scandalous; I can’t pay…I won’t pay…

TV Presenter: Mr Gibson, David…. congratulations!
Mr Gibson: What? Sorry, there must be a mistake.
TV Presenter: No mistake, David! You have won this year’s star prize – the biggest bill in the history of the British Water Company …
Mr Gibson: Oh, how nice – thank you.
TV Presenter: Yes, you have won a brand new flat screen super plasma television.
Mr Gibson: Lovely, thank you.
TV Presenter: There you are, Mr Gibson.
Mr Gibson: A brand new colour tele…
TV Presenter: Mr Gibson…I have just one more question.
Mr Gibson: Sorry, thank you …
TV Presenter You have of course paid your… electricity bill..?
Mr Gibson: My electricity bill? Well, actually, not yet. You see, I think there’s been a mistake, sorry…(takes out huge bill)
TV Presenter: A mistake? No mistake….next, please!

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